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Review: Perlesque Rhea Small Bullet Vibrator







Review by Rose How

 The question of penis size has plagued men and women (but mostly men) since the beginning of time. Men have done all kinds of depraved shit in the quest for a larger John, from eating the reproductive organs of other mammals to attaching weights to the tip of their shafts.

Apparently, similar attitudes apply to women on the hunt for their first sex toy. A friend of mine recently told me about a friend of hers who works in a new generation sex shop in Newtown — the palatable kind that have not been designed to scare women off with penis pasta and creepy old guys provocatively stroking their goatees behind the counter. She said the most common mistake women make is this: they go for the biggest one they can find. I know this for a fact because I am 100% guilty of said crime.

After trawling through 20-plus pages of toys online, the Rose of yesteryear chose a thing that was not unlike that monstrosity of a prehistoric dildo discovered in a German cave in 2005 *. The byzantine purple 18-centimetre love machine boasted six speed settings and a long, foreboding swan neck shaft (if you have ever had to run from a pond screaming for your life after trying to pat a swan, you will know what I mean by this). I figured if I was going to go out on a limb and buy a toy, I might as well go for something that did it all. Turns out, for all of its commendable bells and whistles, it is rarely invited inside for coffee after the date. Nor does it make it past the first setting.

"There are five synergetic settings. Together, they play out like a Philip Glass symphony — rolling loops that take you on an orgasmic journey through space and time."

Now, that we have waded our way through some large and unsavoury foreplay, it’s time to unveil the petite coquette of the hour. The Rhea by Perlesque is roughly half of the swan’s size — 9cm-long and 2-cm wide, to be exact — making it significantly easier to get in and out (and wherever you want, really) during partner-play or solo-play. She’s small in stature, but just as powerful, making the whole experience an exercise in heightened pleasure and versatility. There are five synergetic settings. Together, they play out like a Philip Glass symphony — rolling loops that take you on an orgasmic journey through space and time. (Yes, as it turns out, you can weave a hyperbolic classical music metaphor into a sex toy review). Oh, and it’s 100% waterproof, so if you’ve ever wanted to recreate that swimming pool scene from Wild Things, you can totally do that too.

The verdict? Consider for a moment that bigger isn’t necessarily better. Sometimes you may have the taste for something with more length and girth, like the Perlesque Artemis. But at others, you may want a handy pocket pal that you can slip into your purse on a Saturday night along with your Charlotte Tilbury lipstick “for lengthy tantalising partner sessions”**.

*In 2005, archaeologists uncovered a 28,000-year-old dildo. Yes, seriously (more on pleasure apparatuses through the ages here). Well, so they think. They believe that the 20cm-long, 3cm-wide object could have been used as a “sex aid” and also for “knapping flints”. A sex toy that could get you off AND light your fire. Imagine.

**Perlesque’s words, not mine.

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