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Review: Perlesque Artemis Power Vibrator







Words by Melissa Kenny

When I learn I will be reviewing the largest, longest vibrator housed on Par Femme — the Perlesque Artemis, 22.5 centimetres of silky shaft — I am nervous. As far as inanimate objects go, those that are just 5 cm shorter than my forearm don’t feel ripe for plunging inward.

Yet, all things considered, I am excited for future excitements.

Initial thoughts

 A synopsis confidently assures me that the Artemis is “guaranteed to make my toes curl”. Oh, OK. This calls to mind a school friend who did so much ballet her toes became permanently curled over, the tips clinging to her Havaianas like suction caps. I try to push that thought aside.

The last vibrator I used, acquired when I was newly 18, was made of pink pearlescent plastic. Aesthetically it was a vile object, loud as a blender, and I treated it accordingly — that’s right ladies, you can disrespect your sex toy if it disrespects you.

Conversely, the Artemis very nearly qualifies for bedside table placement — perhaps next to a Lumira candle, a thriving plant, some objets d’art. The device itself is not intimidating or flashy or even vaguely pink, just an unobtrusive matte-grey shaft coated in soft (very soft) silicone. (It is also not, as I had feared, of novelty proportions.) It arrives in a discreet, expensive-looking box in the same calming tone; a box that could easily contain a high-end travel torch, if a travel torch were recommended for internal stimulation.

The challenge

 Internal stimulation without the co-mingling of hand or tongue has never for me resulted in the apex of pleasure.*

But here’s something: “The sweetest pleasures are those which are hardest to be won.” That is a thing reckoned by Giacomo Casanova, an 18th century Italian scholar sometimes called the ‘World's Greatest Lover’, who almost certainly was not referring to the Artemis’ “three settings for your utmost control” when he wove that particular analogy. And yet! I spritz my preferred Byredo, put on my Frette sheet set and summon the Artemis, for these things are cut from the same cloth.

The Fun

 (I have chosen ‘bed’ as my setting, however ‘shower’ and ‘beach’ are also plausible options being that the housing of the Artemis is entirely waterproof.)

Operation is simple: each press of the button moves upward through the three settings, ascending from temperate hum to assertive purr and, lastly, an authoritative warble. The hum is good over the underwear as a gentle primer. When ready to renounce the fabric (bye!) but still approaching from the outside, you might like to level up to purr — the silkiness of the silicone means a twisting motion works well, and the inflexible structure helps to maintain an even pressure. Then, when you are good and ready, you can go the whole hog — and that twenty-plus centimentre depth is available, if you want it. Choices! You have them. (Choose also some ~water-based lubricant~ for that extra easy feeling, but the considerately tapered end does make it all very naturally comfortable.) On the topic of going in, consider submitting to level three (authoritative warble) for this part. I found the rumbles too powerful for outside play, but perfectly nice for this portion of the exercise. I resided at this level for a time, before introducing some manual enhancers. You know, like, enhandcers. Yes, you knew.

Now while we are, of course, results-driven when unaccompanied pleasure is concerned, the Artemis invites you to take your time. Its pale grey is polite, impartial; it fixes you a cup of tea and says, “Stay awhile!” So it’s more of a slow unraveling rather than the pink pearlescent quickies of yesteryear. As for the unaided internal climax? I do think it might be possible, but I don’t quite make it — as per the spoiler above, manual assistance is usually irresistible.

One more thing: do you like add-ons? Because it is possible to accessorise those 22.5 centimetres with a little something extra: a cock ring. The Perlesque version abides by the brand’s tenets of discreet functionality: a quiet silhouette, sleekly packaged, easily operated. You might consider slipping it over the Artemis for dual pleasures at the mercy of one hand, or using it with a partner of your choosing.

Perlesque – always a pleasure.

*In fact, a range of questionable internet sources suggest that 70–80% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. Congrats @ the rest of you, but not exactly fair, is it?

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